


He's the Shining and the Light

by Khoshekh42



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Dirk can sing, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Roadtrip, Todd can sing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-09-21 05:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17037395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khoshekh42/pseuds/Khoshekh42
Summary: When roadtripping to North Dakota, Todd discovers some feelings he didn't realize he had. Confessions ensue.Thanks to flightinflame for the idea!!





	1. On the Road

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flightinflame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/gifts).



> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9zvjD1iM1e0ns07hwacqDp8TwVPKwADz
> 
> Here's a playlist with all of the songs included in the story!

Todd had no idea how Dirk had convinced him to go to some tiny town in North Dakota that nobody had ever heard of, but there they were going along Highway 2 at nearly 80, despite the speed limit being 65 along this stretch. Todd was used to this type of driving at this point, and wasn’t nearly as alarmed by it as some people would think he should be. Todd shivered; the air in the newly-acquired Prius had been growing steadily colder and Todd was beginning to feel it. He reached to turn the temperature knob a little deeper into the white zone, but was stopped by a gasp from Dirk.

“Goodness, Todd. Are you cold?” Dirk looked somewhat horrified that he hadn’t noticed that Todd was uncomfortable.

“It’s just a bit chilly, I’m fine, really.”

“No, if you ever want to do anything with this,” He waved his hand generally towards the buttons and knobs on the dashboard, “Feel free.” A slight pause. “Except the music. That’s for me.”

Dirk reached over and turned the temperature dial well in the red zone.

“Really, Dirk, I’m fine. You don’t need to do that if you’re not cold.”

Dirk shook his head. “I spent too many years in Blackwing facilities to be bothered by the cold anymore, they were always rather chilly. But that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the warmth when I can get it.”

Todd shivered for an entirely different reason now. He hated when Dirk spoke of Blackwing with such nonchalance. He wished that Dirk would just be angry, or something akin to it. He supposed, however, that if Dirk really wasn’t bothered by it, then he had no say in it. 

“Thanks.” He said, a little too late to be normal. But Dirk was anything but, and smiled anyway. He cranked the volume on the speakers, turning the sound up to almost deafening volumes. 

'I often wonder why the things that I want are so hard to find 

But I often fail to see the things that I need are right here by my side'

Todd just smiled at Dirk’s choice in music, and turned to the window to watch the scenery as it went by. 

It took about twenty minutes for Todd’s smile to turn to slight annoyance at the pop-heavy playlist that Dirk had put together for the drive, so he just pulled out his phone and earbuds to listen to his own music.

He just him play on whatever he’d had playing before, and the sounds of Ghost poured into his ears.

'He is

He’s the shining and the light

Without whom I cannot see'

Smiling and content with his own music playing instead of the sounds of Coin’s Talk Too Much that he could still sort of hear beyond Ghost, Todd soon slipped into sleep.

He woke to the closing bars of Spirit, and to Dirk gently shaking him awake. Todd forced himself to sit up, and he pulled his earbuds out of his ears.

“We’re stopping for a bit of a rest and a bite to eat if that’s okay.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re driving. You get to- to-” Todd’s statement devolved into a yawn. “You get to decide when we rest.”

Dirk beamed- not an unusual occurrence, but it was always nice when it happened because of Todd. 

Todd got out of the car, stretching and trying to wake himself up again.

He shivered again, the cold hitting him like a brick wall. He pulled out his phone to check the weather.

Jesus. It was just 21 degrees outside in this town that couldn’t be home to more than 300 people. But there was a gas station, so it was good enough for them.

He looked up to see Dirk chatting happily with a cashier inside the gas station store, without a care in the world. Todd smiled fondly, forgetting that he was supposed to be getting gas. A warmth radiated to his chest and for a moment, he just stared. Stared at the way that Dirk’s fingers skittered across the counter as if miming the way one would play a piano, but was actually probably just part of some story Dirk was telling. Stared at the way that Dirk’s foot tapped against the floor, to the beat of some unknown song that Todd would probably hate. Stared at the way that Dirk’s mouth quirked up as he was talking, telling the cashier an unknown story that would probably get them into trouble if the wrong people overheard.

Then Dirk turned away from the cashier towards him, their eyes locked, and suddenly Todd felt rooted in place. His whole body was aflame without warning, and he no longer felt the sting of the cold air.

Dirk’s eyes were warmer than the sun. Brighter than the sun.

Dirk, seemingly unaffected, turned back to the cashier.

The spell wasn’t broken, Todd stood transfixed, the warmth that had spread through him was burning at almost uncomfortable temperatures.

And all at once it came to him.

It was love.

Todd was in love.

At the revelation, Todd was free. He gasped in a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and he felt the bite of the wind on his face.

Lost in his own head, Todd stumbled around, finally putting gas in the Prius.

He was so fucked.

 

Eventually, with both of them having rested and gotten snacks, they headed out of the gas station, and back onto the road.

"How do you drive for so long without switching drivers?" Todd mused, trying desperately to keep the conversation away from whatever Dirk might have noticed at the gas station. He knew Dirk could be clueless sometimes, but the man was still fairly observant when he wanted to be. And he always seemed to know when something was on Todd’s mind. 

“Oh, it’s fairly easy for me. I’m pretty used to hours of entertaining myself, and anyway, here I have you.” He said it so matter-of-factly that Todd was rather taken aback. 

“I’m not that interesting, besides I’ve been asleep for the past few hours.”

“You’re fascinating while you sleep! You’re all…” Dirk waved his hands, taking them off of the wheel for a second, “Squirmy.”

“You were watching me while I was asleep.”

A dusting of pink found its way across Dirk’s cheeks, but he haughtily stuck up his nose. “Well you’re more entertaining than the static on the radio anyhow.” 

Todd glanced at the speakers.

'We’ll be outlaws

Partners in crime

We’ll take on the world together'

“It seems to be working fine to me.”

“W-well, you see, it was staticky earlier and now it’s just…”

“Is that the AUX cord that you have plugged in?” Todd picked up Dirk’s phone, “Yeah, you’ve got your… ‘Fuck you Dirk, don’t fall asleep while driving again’ playlist on? The fuck kind of playlist name is that?”

Dirk looked ever redder, and somewhat offended now. “It’s my playlist, now give that back!” He made a grab for his phone, but Todd held it out of reach, scrolling through his other playlists, ‘Now you can fall asleep, dumbass', ‘Hype list', ‘Songs to calm you down because that dick on the telly was on again', and… Oh.”

‘Todd's music’ was the next playlist. Now it was Todd that was growing steadily redder. Despite his better judgement, he clicked on the playlist. Inside was every single song that the Mexican Funeral had ever released. Including some shitty covers they'd done, of obscure bands that were cool because no one knew about them, such as one of Orange Ball of Love by the Mountain Goats. Todd smiled slightly, remembering when they'd recorded it.

Before he could think, he clicked on the song. Todd's own guitar playing filled the car. 

'When I catch sight of your face

And the late light falling on it

I feel scared and I scope the area out for a good place to hide'

Todd grinned when he heard himself singing, he'd loved covering this song- any Mountain Goats song.

When the lyrics picked up again, Todd sang along quietly with it, 

'When I feel the way your fingers

Wiggle in my palm

I feel warm and I feel good inside'

As Todd became more comfortable with it, he sang somewhat louder,

'And I know that you're wearing a wire

But as the sun becomes a blazing orange ball of fire

I lose interest in this and other such inconsequential questions'

Unconsciously, his fingers started strumming on a fake guitar, 

'When you kick off your shoes

And I see the wet grass give way underneath your feet

And the sunset soars up once more to its burial ground

Well, you look so sweet'

Todd glanced over to Dirk, who was only half paying attention to the road at this point. Todd wasn't too concerned, there was no one else on this stretch of the road, and Todd had been with Dirk for long enough to know that he would get them where they needed to be.

'And I know you'll be turning me in

But I also know your real name's not Amy Lynn

And as the orange globe rears up to swallow us, too

I see you look at me and figure out what I know about you

Well, I'm not telling

I'm not telling you anything' 

As the last chords were strummed, Todd grinned and paused the music.

"You know, I'd forgotten that we'd covered that song. One of my favorite songs we played."

Dirk smiled, just a little, very sweetly, "Thank you."

Todd wasn't sure what Dirk was thanking him for.

"You're welcome."

But he appreciated it anyway.


	2. On the Road (Again)

Todd ended up falling asleep again, trying to get enough sleep before it was his turn to drive. He woke to the sounds of an artist he didn't know, and a singing Dirk. 

'My whole heart will be yours forever

This is a beautiful start to a lifelong love letter.

Tell the world that we finally got it all right

I choose

You

I will become yours

And you will become mine.

I choose 

You.'

Todd, who hadn't quite woken up yet, was entranced by Dirk's singing. It only occurred to him halfway through the chorus that this was the first time that he'd heard Dirk singing.

Todd finally picked his head up as he continued into the next verse.

Dirk stopped his singing, and turned towards Todd.

"Ah, you're awake!"

Todd noticed a slight pink tinging Dirk's cheeks. 

"You're really good, you know." Todd said, pink coming across his own cheeks. "At singing."

"Oh... Not as good as you."

"Nah, I'm decent, but you're... you're really good."

"Todd! Don't beat yourself up like that! You're amazing at singing." He smiles slyly, "I do own all of your songs."

"So you do." Todd was now growing even redder. "But you really are incredible." Todd was uncertain whether he was just talking about Dirk's singing anymore.

"Thank you." Dirk had huge smile on his face, "No one's ever told me that. Not since..." He trailed off, smiling fading somewhat, now just smiling sadly, "Not since my mother."

Todd didn't know what to say to this, he felt like he was supposed to say something to Dirk, but he couldn't quite pick out the words. 

"Dirk... I'm sorry about what happened to you. It's really awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

Dirk laughed, somewhat derisively, "No one's ever said that either."

Todd's frustration at Dirk's situation bubbled over slightly. "Why? Dirk, you've been such a positive influence for me, and I can't even begin to see anyone disliking, except for the people that committed the crimes that you're solving."

Dirk's face contorted into one of pain, as if he were trying to keep himself from crying. "I know you're saying that to be nice, Todd, but you're one of the only people who doesn't see me as some sort of... freak. You and Amanda. Even the universe seems to hate me."

"Well... The universe is stupid, then. Because you're the most... wonderful person I've ever met."

"That's very kind of you." Dirk didn't sound like he believed Todd.

"No, I really do mean it, Dirk. You're amazing! You're kind, and you never judge me for what I've done. That's... that's a lot to me. You don't treat me like the person that I used to be." Todd scoffed slightly. "My parents don't even do that anymore, not after Amanda... But this isn't about me. You always think about other people, and you're so sweet to people. I... you're really something else, Dirk. in a good way, trust me."

"Thank you." Dirk seemed to be a little bit in awe. He grinned, and fiddled with his phone slightly. AJJ's voice blared through the car speakers.

'I'm afraid of the way that I live my life

I'm afraid of the way I don't

I'm afraid of the things that I wanna do but I won't'

Todd squinted at the phone screen. The playlist that was playing was 'Songs that Todd told me to listen to'.

"I don't tell you to listen to songs, do I?"

"Not directly, no. But you do mention songs that you like, and I just... pick up on them."

Todd was astounded. "You... you listen to me when I'm rambling about music?"

"Of course I do! I'll listen to you talk about anything that you love."

"...No one's ever told me that before."

"Well I'm glad I told you, then."

"Thank you."

Dirk smiled. "You're welcome." 

Todd wanted to tell Dirk about his revelation he'd had back at the gas station (a gas station of all places), he wanted to so badly.

'I wish I were a little less of a coward.'

Damn this song.

Instead, Todd just put his hand onto Dirk''s shoulder, and squeezed it slightly, trying to convey as much emotion through it as possible.

Even if he was too coward to tell him how he truly felt, he could do this at least.

They stayed there in silence for a solid few minutes.

It was Todd who finally ruined it, because Dirk finally yawned.

"Do you need me to take over driving, you look tired."

"Yeah, that might be nice." Dirk yawned again, he was finally seeming to have realized how tired he was.

Dirk pulled over to the side of the road, and stretched as he stopped the car. 

They switched places, and before Todd had finished adjusting the car to his height, Dirk was asleep. 

Todd smiled sweetly at the sight of a sleeping Dirk.

He started the car as quietly as he could, and turned the sound down so that only he could hear it. It was still on Todd's playlist, but Todd pressed a few buttons, and Dirk's 'Songs to calm you down because that Dick on the telly was on again' playlist started to play. A song that Todd didn't know picked up.

'Just after the storm breaks

With the perfect amount of light

You can catch a glimpse of magic

If the timing is right

Rainbows are improbable

Beautiful and rare

But so are you and so is this

The love that we share'

Todd listened to the calm song for a while, occasionally glancing over to make sure that Dirk was still sleeping soundly, before zoning out completely, paying attention only to the road, and the sunset off to his left. 

And he kept driving, all the way until about 3 A.M., when Dirk finally woke. Todd had switched to his own playlist, to stray away from Dirk's calming playlist, so that he wouldn't fall asleep on the road.

"What time 's it?" Dirk asked, slurring his words slightly from just waking up.

"Just past three. Sleep well?"

Dirk yawned in response. 

"I'll take that as a yes. I'll probably be stopping soon at one of those twenty-four hour gas stations to get something to eat, and to take a bathroom break. There was a sign maybe three miles ago that said there was one coming up."

Todd cranked up the music to help wake Dirk up.

The Replacements' Sixteen Blue poured out of the speakers.

'Brag about things you don't understand

A girl and a woman, a boy and a man

Everything is sexually vague 

Now you're wondering to yourself

That you might be gay' 

Todd had known he was bisexual since his college days, it wasn't that hard for him to figure out, just some good old fashioned college experimentation told him that much. Still, the fact that he was so undeniably in love with Dirk was... new. It was the first time Todd had ever been in love. He was a little scared if he were to be honest, not just of the idea of Dirk rejecting him (likely), but the idea that Dirk might just laugh at him, and stop being his friend (much less likely). 

Sure, he was pretty certain that Dirk himself was gay, the man was practically a queer beacon, between himself, Amanda (who he'd known was also bi since she'd admitted it to him when she was in the seventh grade), Farah (who he'd always suspected wasn't straight), Tina (who never tried to hide anything), and, well, he supposed Hobbs was straight. 

But, despite Dirk probably being gay, Todd highly doubted that Dirk was into him. After all, even though Dirk was the sweetest person he knew, Todd himself was still a pretty big asshole, and Dirk deserved someone far better than Todd.

Todd sighed, but smiled. Better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all, he supposed.

He pulled into the gas station, and walked into the mostly abandoned QuikTrip, busying himself with choosing between barbecue and sour cream and onion chips, trying to shake off the looming self-pity, perhaps drown it with the coffee that he'd already gotten from the shitty coffee machine that the gas station provided.


	3. Mira Cjelli

Dirk had switched the music back to his calm playlist when Todd got back to the car, glancing at the phone, it was playing some instrumental piece called ‘i know it’s not easy but you’re not alone anymore’.

 

It hit a little too close to home for Todd, but he ignored it, like he tended to do with any emotion, and handed Dirk his coffee.

 

“I hope you don’t mind me changing the music.” Dirk said, trying to sip the coffee without burning himself. “I just wanted to relax for a while if that’s okay, your music doesn’t tend to be relaxing.”

 

“Hey, it’s like you said, you do the music.” If Todd were being honest, he’d rather listen to something that wouldn’t lull him to sleep, but it was Dirk, and he couldn’t say no.

 

They drove for hours more, not in silence now, but both of them babbling on about whatever struck their fancy at that particular moment, occasionally pausing when the scenery was particularly interesting. Todd actually stopped the car at about 3:50 along the side of the road to stare up at the stars for a little.

 

Dirk didn’t say anything for the first five minutes of them perched on the hood of the car, just content to stare up into the heavens with Todd, who, when he glanced over, saw tears streaming down Dirk’s smiling face.

 

Dirk looked over to see Todd staring, worriedly.

 

“My mother used to take me out to see the stars.” Dirk told him, looking back up at the sky.

 

Todd could see Dirk was struggling to keep his composure.

 

“She would point out the constellations, and I’d never remember them from the last time, so we’d end up lying there and making up new ones…” Dirk paused, staring heavenwards. Slowly, he pointed directly above them. “See there? Those three stars in a row make up the shell of a turtle, that little cluster above it is its head, and that bright star under it is the tip of its tail.”

 

Todd instinctively grabbed the hand that Dirk still had resting on the car, he just knew that Dirk needed something at the moment.

 

A strangled laugh, “She named it Dirk.”

 

Todd’s already breaking heart shattered, and Dirk lost all composure he had left, covering his mouth with the hand he’d been pointing with, his other still being gripped tightly by Todd.

 

The wind blew a little colder for a moment, and maybe it was a sign from the universe, because Todd just wrapped his arms around Dirk to shelter him from the cold, and hopelessly cruel world around him.

 

Todd, unsure of what to do, did the only thing that seemed natural at the time. He sang. Some song that the Mexican Funeral had covered once.

 

“’Got up before dawn

Went down to the racetrack

Riding with the windows down

Shortly after your first heart attack

You parked behind the paddock

Cracking asphalt underfoot

Coming up through the cracks’”

 

Dirk’s sobs began to dissipate, the warm breath against his neck began to slow.

 

“’Pale green things

Pale green things’”

 

The more Todd sang, the more he wondered if singing was a mistake.

 

“’You watched the horses run their workouts

You held your stopwatch in your left hand

And a Racing Form beneath your arm

Casting your gaze way out to no man's land

Sometimes I'll meet you out there

Lonely and frightened

Flicking my tongue out at the wet leaves

Pale green things

Pale green things’”

 

But Dirk’s sigh once he’d stopped crying, and the way he clung ever closer to Todd erased every thought that it was a mistake from his mind.

 

“’My sister called at 3 AM

Just last December

She told me how you'd died at last

At last

That morning at the racetrack

Was one thing that I remembered

I turned it over in my mind

Like a living Chinese finger trap

Seaweed in Indiana sawgrass

Pale green things

Pale green things’”

 

As he finished singing, with some effort Todd was able to lift a now-sleeping Dirk off the hood of the car and place him as carefully as possible into the passenger seat.

 

He paused for a moment as he buckled him in, staring down at the man he’d grown to love.

 

Todd didn’t know what made him do it.

 

Maybe it was a hunch, maybe it was fate.

 

But he placed a hand on Dirk’s shoulder, patting it softly to wake him, kneeling on the uncomfortable gravel beneath him to be vaguely eye level with Dirk.

 

“Hm?” As Dirk recovered consciousness, he shifted from the probably uncomfortable position Todd had laid him in. “Sorry, do you want me to dri-”

 

“I wanted to say thank you for telling me about your mother. For sharing that part of you. For being here and bringing me along on all of this. I wanted to say that everything I’ve been through with you- _everything_ \- has been a positive influence on me. I wanted to thank you also for not judging the shitty things I’ve done in my past, and not hating me for the shitty things I’ve done to you. I wanted to say I’m sorry for all of that. You aren’t a monster, you aren’t any of that stuff I said back then, and you didn’t deserve that. You didn’t ruin my life, you saved it.”

 

Dirk’s eyes were wide, and tears were beginning to well up.

 

Todd took a deep breath, “I wanted to say…” He looked down at his own hands, eyes half-lidded.

 

“I wanted to say I love you.”

 

A beat, a moment more:

 

“You already have.” Dirk grabbed Todd’s hands in his own, and Todd looked up to meet Dirk’s eyes.

 

“You said that with every other thing you’ve done and said tonight. The singing to comfort me, the thanking me, the apologies. Those are the kinds of this that I’ve never had anyone say to me, and I can’t possibly tell you how much it means to me. So. _I’ve_ wanted to say thank you for that special kindness that you show to me, that not even Amanda or Farah have showed me, for not just calling me a freak and abandoning me, for coming back for me at the hospital, for the Mexican Funeral shirt. I’ve wanted to say I’m sorry that I lied to you, that you were right when you said that I’d lied, and that I shouldn’t have done that.

 

“I’ve wanted to say I love you too.”

 

Todd let out a shaky breath, let his tears flow freely down his face.

 

There they were, Dirk twisted awkwardly in his seat, Todd still kneeling on gravel, both crying. But happy.

 

Dirk leaned down, kissing Todd chastely. Todd looked up at him, and grinned. The moment not so much broke, but shifted.

 

“I’ll drive.” Dirk offered, and he’d already made up his mind, so Todd didn’t even try to stop him. He just got out of the way, allowing Dirk to slip out of the car and just took his place in the seat.

 

Todd stared out the window as they began forward again, at the swaths of stars painted across the night sky, and he vowed then and there to take Dirk camping someday, somewhere empty and open where they’d be able to see even more stars, and then make their own sets of constellations, together.


End file.
